Single White Female looking for a fight!

Working at a magazine, I get a lot of press releases. About 75 percent of them, really, are not a fit for my magazine. We have a little chuckle about disposable litter boxes, painted toilet seats and $10 jewelry. But one came across my desk today that struck a chord. A big, red, angry chord.

I am single. And, this might come a surprise to all the paired up people who ask me if I’m dating anyone before they ask after my health, but I enjoy my life. And I know you’ve forgotten, married friends, but it’s hard to meet the right person. It really is. You have to kiss a lot of frogs. I know. I’ve kissed more than my share. And some toads. And even, unfortunately, a snake or two. It’s all really a big crap shoot, but it’s a chance you’ve got to take, right?

Well, according to the release I got today, I should be miserable. I am single, and Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’ll have to endure seeing happy couples, red hearts and flowers all around. Oh, what are we supposed to do to get us through that day? Apparently, our only options as singletons on Valentine’s Day is to sit home alone feeling sorry for ourselves or go out and try to meet someone (because on Valentine’s Day, bars are obviously crawling with single men). But it’s oh so hard to pick up just the right stranger in a bar… However can we tell if someone truly is our soul mate right then and there? The exact person we’ve been looking for all along…

Are you ready for it?

Because I wasn’t…


Single Bands. Yes, that is right, Single Bands, a new line of color-coded wrist wear (rubber bracelets) which help singles find a match in a “simple and funny way.” Each color indicates the wearer’s status:
Blue: never been married (spinster)
Green: divorcées (failure at at least one relationship)
Purple and orange: gay/lesbian and bisexual, respectively (or purple means you support Lupus research. My friend Nancy wears one for that. Better be sure before you hit on someone in a purple bracelet, you could get a sock in the eye!)
Pink: you are living with someone (Then why the hell are you out looking to meet people, perv?)
Yellow: you are separated (not yet divorced, again, why are you out trying to meet people?)
Red: a widower (I don’t know what color a widow would wear, that is not listed. You poor things.)

But then there is more, and this is confusing, because it repeats colors. The Single Bands package includes bands that specify what the wearer is looking for in a prospective mate:
Red: for romantic (I thought it was for widower. But not widows. They get no color)
Green: for educated (educated divorcées?)
Orange: for “I’m into people of all races.” (or “I am bisexual.”)

Either way, you could end up with a stack of bracelets up to your elbow, announcing to the world that you’ll take anything and anyone, or that you support a lot of causes. If that is the case, then good on you!

This is all the brainchild of a woman named Cathy Hill. She sees it as a simple way to meet people without being set up by friends. “I have been divorced,” she says. “I tried dating online and would never recommend it.” Indeed, the best inventions are born out of frustration.

Well she frustrates me. To the point where I want to fight her!!! I physically want to beat her up. And I’ve never been in a fight before. I have very dainty wrists. I am sure one would snap if I landed any kind of punch. But she makes me that mad.

It’s hard to meet someone, so her brilliant idea is to “tag” us like water buffaloes on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom? I am sure that will make meeting someone so much easier. You just walk in, hold up your arm for the world to see, and just wait for the soul mates to come crawling toward you. Oh, that sounds like lots of fun. And helpful. Why talk to someone when you could instantly know everything there is to know by the rubbers on his wrist.

I’ve got a better idea. Load up your arm with fancy bangles (Unless you’re a guy. Guys should not wear fancy bangles. Unless you want to. I don’t judge.), grab your other single girlfriends and get out there and have fun and enjoy being single! You never know who you might meet. Hopefully you aren’t wearing matching fancy bangles.

On a side note, if this freak really wants to make a go of tagging people with bracelets, she should make them actually helpful and informative:
Red for "evil shrew"
Gray for "has no job and lives in his parents’ basement"
Gold for "already married," and that should be around your finger.
Burnt Orange for "bitter with baggage"
Black for "self-absorbed jackass"
And blue for "bad kisser." A bad kisser is a non-negotiable.
And I should know. I've kissed a lot of frogs.