Is this your porn?

This week, three friends brought up the weirdest story if not of all time, the weirdest one in the past few weeks. Jumping in at the end of the bailout breadline rolls Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, saying they are going to ask the government for a $5-billion bailout for the porn industry.

Now, my reaction to this was that I wouldn't think the porn industry would ever be in trouble. Come on, it's never going out of business! To quote my cousin, "Naked women drive men crazy." People will always find money for porn. Hell, there are probably people who skip lunch to have a little cash to buy a tittie magazine. Or they could eat lunch at the tittie bar, and kill two birds with one stone.

Personally, I think these two douche bags should put their energy toward making porn better. We are an intelligent society. We deserve a little more (no pun intended) meat to our porn. Give us something more than what we can see for free on VH-1! More bang for our buck, so to speak.

All of this reminded me of something that happened to me a few years ago, when I was still living in Atlanta. We had lived in our apartment for a couple years. I was home one night, and the cat started going nuts. A moth had gotten in. Moths are not only fun playthings for a cat, apparently they also are magically delicious. So she started chasing it around, and into the kitchen, where counter jumping was attempted. Kitchen counter jumping is NOT ALLOWED, so I stepped in and tried to find said moth.

I dragged over a chair to climb onto the counter myself to see if it was on top of the cabinets (which did not reach the ceiling, allowing for some extra storage space). I looked up, and there it was.

Not the moth. A videotape. Tossed into the corner. Covered in dust. Next to my Santa Claus Merry Christmas cookie tray. I picked it up. Show and Tell it was called.

I stood there on the kitchen counter, looking around like I was on Candid Camera. I knew what it was, but of course went right to the VCR and popped it in, still looking around like a camera crew was going to bust in any minute yelling "Gotcha!"

And there it was. A worn-out looking groupie and a hairband reject banging up against black lacquer furniture. And then a shot that looked like something out of a video you might see at your girly doctor.

This is supposed to be hot? Two unattractive people smearing across tacky furniture intermixed with an instructional video? I had to stop it. Horrified, I of course called Chris, "You will not believe what I found in my kitchen!!!"

Then the front door opened and my sister walked in, on her cell phone... "Is this your porn???" I asked, holding the video in the air. With eyes like saucers, she said, "I gotta go.... " as she slowly hung up her phone. Then looked at me like I asked her if this was her jar of ground up babies. "NO!"

So, if you lived in AMLI @ Spring Creek about seven years ago, I am sorry to say that I threw away your cheap porn, which for some reason you left in the kitchen.

I am sure whoever it was has since purchased more to replace it.

You're welcome Larry and Joe. Glad I could do my part.