Doctor, doctor

I hate going to the doctor. It honestly terrifies me. I'm 38, and the thought of even getting my finger pricked still makes me want to cry a little. I've never been good with doctors, I screamed when I was little and I whimper now. So I can imagine how my mother dreaded taking me. But I sympathize with her a little bit.

Because today I took the cat to the vet.

Now I sympathize with Daphne too, doctors are scary. But at least I know why I have to go. All she knows is she gets crammed in her carrier, only to be pulled out by a stranger who pries her mouth open and sticks a thermometer up her bum. As you can imagine, this does not go over well, much to the vet's shock and my embarrassment as Daphne lunges for their throat (or nose, or hand, whichever body part is closer).

At least it's over quick.

In fact, it's getting her there in the first place that is a well-choreographed dance of skill and timing. Allow me to present my instructions on how to get a cat to the vet.

1. I can not stress this one enough. DO NOT take the cat carrier from its storage place until you are 100% ready to walk out the front door. Trust me.

2. Remain calm and be cool. Cats are smart. They sense fear and they sense a plot. On the day you are going to the vet, play it cool as you get ready. Don't show your nervousness. They will know something is up and immediately hide under the bed.

3. When you are 100% ready to leave the house (and not one minute before, I mean it, your teeth need to be brushed, if you need a coat, put it on), make sure the cat is in a public area and then close off all bedrooms. Because once you bring the carrier out, you have a limited window of opportunity to grab the cat and get her in it. Because once they see it, they will run and try to hide. It's important that all bedroom doors are closed. If the cat goes under the bed, game over. You might as well call the vet and say you're going to be late, or you're not coming. A cat will always be just out of your reach under a bed. And they have teeth and claws in case you happen to grab a leg. I have actually had to lift the mattress and box spring up to get Daphne out from under the bed. It's not fun.

4. When you go to grab them, just grab them. You are the boss, and if you advance slowly, they will bolt and find a place to hide. They are quick movers. I recommend a carrier that opens up on the top, rather than just on the front. Gravity is on your side, as it is much easier to drop in than shove in.

5. Now for the car ride. Prepare yourself for the worst noises you have ever heard. EVER. Sounds you can not believe are coming from the small creature beside you. I swear, the military could use a recording of Daphne in the car instead of water boarding. It's that bad. Consoling her does not help, and ignoring her just makes it louder and more bizarre sounding.

6. Pray it's not a busy dog day at the vet, because you will have to wait and dogs are curious. Hopefully you can find a chair off to the side, away from traffic, quietly holding the carrier in your lap. Last time I took her in, it was dogs on parade! Daphne is already having an anxiety attack, and I get some giant Great Dane poking its nose up against her carrier. Hissing, swiping, and the owner looks at me like my cat is a rabid raccoon. (The same thing happens if lots of kids are there.)

7. Once in the exam room, I open the carrier, and let her sniff around a bit. Usually she just stays in the carrier. Hell to get her in, and a pain to get her out when the vet comes in. And I just stand there and hold my breath, waiting for Daphne to lunge and rip the vet's face open. Thankfully this has never happened, but there is always a lot of hissing, growling and dirty looks. And the last vet who got right down in her face to check her teeth should thank his lucky stars he was blessed with quick reflexes.

Back in the carrier, which is much easier to do in the vet's office, more growling in the car, and we're home like nothing ever happened. Sigh.

I love her to death, don't get me wrong. But I am so glad this only has to happen once a year. I don't know if my nerves could take it. Which reminds me, I'm due for a physical....