Night of the Iguana

Or, really, the minute of the lizard.

I live in the land of lizards. They are all over. They are the unseen rustling in the bushes as you walk down the sidewalk. Or they just sit there, almost daring you to step on them before scuttling off. Some are so little, you don't even notice them until they rush away from your oncoming feet. Some are so big, I think they are more closely related to alligators than they are.

But they don't bother me. They scuttle away, or sit there on the sidewalk, watching me pull into a parking spot. The only thing that scares me about them is that one of them will somehow get into the apartment, and I'll have to clean up the remnants of the food chain.

I was leaving my complex on the way to work one recent morning. I was actually dropping off the car at the shop, and getting a ride from there with a coworker. I was right on time. And then, waiting at the stop sign behind a couple other cars, waiting to pull out on to the main drag, I saw it. Right in the middle of my hood was a lizard, staring back at me. He looked puzzled as to why the "ground" beneath him was moving.

I think I might have yelped. It was almost my turn to pull out onto the road where I would go at speeds up to 60 miles an hour (OK, fine. 70). I couldn't, with a clean conscious, let that lizard go flying off my hood, probably into the windshield of the car behind me. We locked eyes. I knew what I had to do.

I rolled out on to Northlake, much slower than I usually do, and eased over to the right lane, so I could pull into the first U-turn area of the median. That 200 feet was probably the longest of that lizard's life. He flattened himself on the hood as I accelerated to 30. Finally, I could pull over.

I jumped out of my car with an old parking lot ticket in my hand. I reached out to scoot the lizard toward the ground and safety. He jumped to the headlight. I scooted him with the card again.

AND THEN HE JUMPED ON ME.

I tried to scoot him off my leg, and he jumped higher. The dance I performed on the side of the road was probably quite entertaining to passersby. He got as high as my boob. My goal was to keep him out of my hair. Because if that happened, he'd be stuck in that mess all day. He finally jumped back on the car before finally leaping to the ground.

And so I was late meeting Sue at the shop. But I saved a life. And I hadn't even eaten breakfast yet.