In case of a water landing, swim for it.

While going through security at an airport recently, as I was taking off my flip-flops and flopping them into my gray bin, a man looked at me in wonderment. “We’re still doing shoes?” he asked. I said yes, but in my mind, I was thinking, “We’re lucky we still have our clothes on.” Because you know, we’re not that far from checking in our clothes and flying in hospital gowns.

Another thing that baffles people is the liquid restriction. There are signs everywhere, but every time I go to the airport, there are always piles of water bottles (Michael Vick), shampoo and toothpaste off to the side. If you don’t know the rules of travel, and are too lazy/stupid to look them up, then please, don’t fly, because you’re just gumming up the works for the rest of us who know what we are doing. And, you know you’re flying, and you know what you can’t go through the security screening area wearing. Why are you all bundled up in lace-up shoes, jackets, cardigans and belts with pockets full of change? Let’s get it together, shall we. Again, gumming up the works.

Speaking of traveling clothes, nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing what some of you people choose to wear when flying. Seriously, do you own a mirror? You want to be comfortable, but it’s a plane. It’s not your living room. Have some respect for yourself and the people that are forced to look at your beer gut hang out as you try and put all your belongings in the overhead bin.

Let’s go back to the quart bags for a second. I never want to check a bag. I’ve had them misplaced and just plain lost so I’m very wary of turning them over to the airline. But, I have high-maintenance hair, and I wear contact lens. I need my hair goos and my eye potions. And that doesn’t count my makeup and toothpaste. My quart bag is always a breath away from busting open. Which begs the question, why can I bring a lighter on the plane, something I can use to actually set something on the plane on fire, but 4 ounces of shampoo will apparently bring it down?

So this weekend, while waiting at my gate in Miami, a couple came up with twins in a stroller. Everyone was all, “Oh, aren’t they cute…” While I was thinking, “You think they’re cute now, wait until they’re screaming like howler monkeys in the seat next to you.” And I was right. Those “adorable” twins screamed bloody murder most of the trip. I know, I know, babies cry. Whatever. It doesn’t mean it’s not the most annoying thing in the whole traveling experience. Personally, I think there should be two kinds of flights. Flights for people with their kids, and flights for the people that just want to sit quietly, read their books and listen to their iPods in peace, while trying to ignore the overly chatty person sitting next to them. Just because I offered you a piece of gum doesn’t mean I want to know your life story.