Smashed and mashed

Rumor has it, when I was little, I did not like mashed potatoes. No matter what kind of "Here comes the airplane/train" game was played, I would not eat them. There is even talk of my parents making them with chocolate milk. And while that apparently didn't work either, it could have been the thing that set off my love of dipping french fries into a Frosty. Hmm....

I don't want to disparage Jan's cooking ability. She hates cooking to this day, don't get me wrong, but she is not bad at it. I don't know what made me turn up my button nose at mashed potatoes. Perhaps it was a texture thing. I do have texture issues: cottage cheese, grits, tapioca pudding, sometimes even scrambled eggs if they are runny will cause my throat to close up. Don't even get me started on that Aquafresh toothpaste that foams up in your mouth. UGH!!!

But then, I don't know how, I don't know where, maybe it was Thanksgiving, maybe it was a Wednesday, but one day, I started to like mashed potatoes. Not just like them. Love them. They are officially one of my favorite things. If they are done right, that is. You think they are easy to make, but they also are easy to screw up.

I will order something on a menu specifically if it comes with mashed potatoes. In Atlanta, I had my favorites. The Highland Tap (my favorite restaurant in the ATL!), they were quite good. At Digger's, the sports bar where I used to work, they were awesome. They made them from scratch in a mixer as big as a small horse. Dick & Harry's, I don't even know if that place is still open (it was on Holcomb Bridge), but ohhh.... I ordered a fish that was so delicate, it seemed to melt right in with the velvety mashed potatoes it was served on. Heaven on a plate! I found Houston's mashed potatoes too fussy, with lots of (I think) parsley and, if there is such a thing, too much butter. It just kind of sat there, almost like a puddle of oil. Mashed potatoes need to be kept simple. Some garlic or cheese is welcome, but please leave out the horseradish or wasabi.

And don't even come at me with instant mashed potatoes. Really?!!?!? Boxed instant mashed potatoes are to me what broccoli on pizza is to my Uncle Joe (Trust me on that one).

So, to make the perfect mashed potatoes at home takes a little elbow grease, but it's worth it. I used to like them all whipped up with the hand mixer, creamy and lump free. Probably a texture issue again. But my friend Chris taught me a different way. I start with just basic Idaho potatoes, peel them, rinse them, chop them into chunks. Good sized chunks, not quartered, but not a dice. Something you'd want in a good potato salad. Put them in a large saucepan or stockpot, cover them with water, salt the water and get it boiling. I also like to toss a heaping spoonful of minced garlic in to boil with the potatoes. Another flavor layer. If I am doing red potatoes, I don't peel them. The skins add flavor, color and (GASP!) texture.

While the potatoes are boiling, here is a fun fact. If you find a potato chip that is a bit green, it means the potato sat in the sun too long before it got to the Frito-Lay. Yep, it's a sunburn!

OK, now pour some milk into a coffee mug along with a good sized dollop (a tablespoon or two. Or three) of butter, and put it in the microwave for about a minute or so to warm it up. Check the potatoes to make sure they are soft. (This is why I am not really good at making potato salad. I overcook the potatoes for that. I'm wicked good at mashed potato salad.) Drain them and put them back in the hot pan. Now take a masher and smoosh them a bit to break them up. Pour in some of the heated milk and butter. Mash a little more, and then take out a whisk. Stir them up with the whisk, while adding the milk a little at a time, until they are the consistency you want, even if you don't use all the milk. Salt and pepper to taste! Aren't they gorgeous, lumps and all!?!?!?



Especially when served with a yummy London broil and spinach with fresh ground nutmeg. (I took out my hammer and tapped open a fresh nutmeg and grated it on that spinach. Oh yeah, I am that fancy.)


Here is my "Love you Lumps" playlist. Enjoy!

I'm So Tired The Beatles ("I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink." What do you think?)
You Oughta Know Alanis Morissette
Ice Sarah McLachlan ("The ice is thin, come on dive in...")
If Dirt Were Dollars Don Henley
This is the Last Time Keane
Shoo-Bee-Doo Madonna (Gotta love old school squeaky voiced Madonna!)
You Owe me an IOU Hot Hot Heat ("He was in the habit of taking things for granted.")
Other Voices The Cure
This Grudge Alanis Morissette ("Who's it hurting now? Who's the one that's stuck?")
Private Dancer Tina Turner ("Deutschmarks or dollars? American Express will do nicely, thank you.")
Not So Strong James (Have I mentioned I saw James in a club with about 150 other people. Yeah, I am that cool.)
Man Yeah Yeah Yeahs
You Don't Bring me Flowers Barbara Streisand and 2011 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee Neil Diamond
Down to Earth Barenaked Ladies ("Some people are all show. I don't mind that if the show is worth watching.")
I'm Shakin' Rooney (Not to be confused with the family that owns the 6-time Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers or the stinky hippie fest that used to be in Deposit, NY every summer.)
Waltz Away Dreaming George Michael and Toby Bourke (Probably not related to Ray.)
I'm Gonna Miss You Milli Vanilli (oh, you know it's true. I love my Milli Vannli!)
Those Were the Days My Friend Sandie Shaw ("Once upon a time there was a tavern..." Don't the best stories start like that??)
Not All Me Alanis Morissette ("It's not all me. It's not all my fault. I may remind you, but I won't take it all on.")
Hung Up Madonna
Lullabye Concrete Blonde ("When your breathing is the wind, and your crying is the rain, well I know you will remember because the music is forever.")