All the single ladies

Hi. I'm Michelle, and I'm single.

There. I said it. It didn't hurt. It's a fact. I live with it every day. Admittedly, some days are better than others. Some days I don't even think about my status, and there are some days where I just can't forget it.

And that's OK.

That's the life of a single gal. We get up, we go to work, we do our thing. We are, for the most part, happy with who we are, where we're going and what we're doing, sometimes because we don't have to take anyone else's wants into account. When I come home and want to watch my DVR'd soaps before cooking dinner, I can, guilt free. If I came back from a trip on Tuesday, and my unpacked suitcase is still sitting on my bedroom floor on Friday, no one is going to make a snarky comment.

Don't get me wrong. I would love to meet someone. It would be great to have someone to come home to, and someone to go out with. But it's hard. Not just for me. I have a lot of single girlfriends in the same boat. But we're OK.

Which leads me to the whole point of this. Earlier this week, my awesome friend Nancy posted a story from MSN called 19 Things You Never Say to a Single Woman. Apparently there was a poll of single women, and they were asked what they are most sick of hearing from "well-meaning" friends/family/whatnot. Every single one of those 19 would have made my list. Especially after recent dealings with douchebags and spending time at home with my mom. (I love her. I know she means well. At least I think she does...)

There were some comments under the choices. But I was in such a mood that I had to add my own. Let me set the scene...Nothing, and I mean nothing, will kill a fabulous day (I mean, life is good, my hair turned out frizz-free, I am wearing my skinny pants walking on sunshine...) than running into someone, or talking to someone on the phone that maybe you haven't seen or talked to in a while. They'll ask you how you are, and then, in the very next sentence (and we single gals know it's coming)...."So, are you seeing anyone?"

"No, not right now." And just when I'm about to ask how they are, or talk about my great job, I notice something... when I revealed I was single, their shoulders dropped a little and their head tilted to the side, the smile fading a bit...and then there is the sigh... "oh..." (and if it's over the phone, we can still tell you're doing it!)

"well..." they will say, before adding one or more of the following:


1. It happens when you're not looking.
What does that even mean??? If you leave the house, you're looking. I mean, I don’t stalk boys in bars or catch them in bear traps, but isn’t the whole reason we put on some pretty and open the front door to attract some attention???

2. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
I hung out with a boy who kissed like a fish. He did that O thing with his mouth, like a goldfish blowing bubbles. Why would I want to date a fish?

3. So, why are you single?
I don’t know. Why are you a rude asshat?

4. You're too picky.
One of my mom's favorites. This implies that at my age, I have decent options to pick from. No. I have men my dad's age (EEWWW!), or there are “broken toys.” Men bitter from divorce or other heartbreaks, really not open to anything. Or they're going through some sort of pre-midlife crisis, so they are looking not for 39-year-old fun, stable, sane me, but Brittni or Ashlee the 27-year-old party girl.

5. You'll find the right person for you.
Gee... Thanks....What the hell does that mean?!?!

6. He's out there.
Where? Here? Ireland? Croatia? Can you give me a better hint than that?

7. It was just bad timing.
Yeah, I’m so much better at 7 o’clock than I am at 4.

8. Just have fun with it!
I thought I was, until you made me feel like a social freak by bombarding me with “helpful” cliches.

9. Have you tried online dating?
All the child-molester-looking, lying freaks the Internet can hold!

10. He just wasn't the right guy for you.
No shit!

11. Well, when my boyfriend and I first got together…
Fuck you.

12. When the time is right, you will meet someone.
Again, 7? 9?

13. Wow, I wish I were single and in your shoes!
Are you being held hostage? Because if not, no you don’t, so don’t fucking lie to me.

14. Your turn next [at weddings].
Since I’m the only single person there under 60 and over 12, that may or may not actually be the case.

15. It will happen when you least expect it.
The Spanish Inquisition? Because I hear no one expects that.

16. Some guy is going to come along and ruin your career/life plans.
I’m 39. I have no plans further than my massage tomorrow. What’s to ruin?

17. But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?
Again, fuck you. Following that logic, only “pretty” girls have boyfriends. And I don’t... So I guess that makes you a liar and me a troll. Awesome.

18. It just wasn't meant to be.
My mother says this all the time. What the fuck does it mean, “meant to be?” That's a line from a million movies. Movies aren't real!!!

19. Sure, my guy rescues kids from abusive homes, donated my sister a kidney, and picks up fresh flowers for me daily on his way home from work, but will he QUIT IT with the sports on TV already?
Yeah, I hate that my husband watches sports on TV too... Oh wait, I don’t have one. Fuck you!

Some call it bitter, I call it cynical and slightly jaded, yet still smart, charming and funny in an honestly biting kind of way.

Long story short (I know, too late!) the only thing these "helpful" cliches really do is help in making us feel like there is something wrong with us because we are single. And that is not true. We all are fabulous! Hell, we keep throwing our hearts in the ring, don't we? With a smile on our faces and probably wearing an uncomfortable bra.

And that's OK!