Doing it for the "girls"

As you probably know from the explosion of pink everywhere, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Coincidentally, it also happens to be time for my 6-month mammogram/ultrasound combo that started a year ago, when my new doctor in Florida "made" me go get a baseline mammogram. I was nervous, but figured I'd just get it over with, and that would be the end of it for a few years.

They called me the next day to come back in to double check the left side and do an ultrasound. Naturally, I freaked out. It turned out to be nothing. Well, dense tissue. But they wanted me to come back in six months. So I went back in April for a replay. Again, I got the all clear, but come back in six months.

And that meant today was the day. So I dragged my stuffy sinuses and sore throat over to the Breast Center. Yippie!!!

OK, as a preface, two days ago, the registration office called to pre-fill out my paperwork. Cool. But then when I got the call to remind me of the appointment, I was told to go to admitting. To fill out my paperwork. Um, I did that. Over the phone...
You need to sign it all.
Oh. OK.
Admitting. The ladies there are charming. Yes. I am being sarcastic.

Up at the Breast Center at last, I am given...paperwork to fill out. Sigh. As I am filling it out, the receptionist brings me a printed out sheet of things I just need to double check to make sure they are right. Huh... the printout from when I filled the paperwork out over the phone. And the information that is on it is the exact information I was just filling out...I guess they think we need "busy" work to keep our minds off of what's going to happen.

So after I am given my ever-so-attractive and comfortable robe to wear (it opens in the front), I am waiting. And waiting. Oh, a magazine. House Beautiful. From 2004. I start opening drawers and cabinets. I'm a curious person. Oh, a fake boob attached to a white piece of plastic... Ooops... not attached, as said boob flops under the chair...

My turn! YAY! The tech is... brusk. And I can't really understand what she is saying. Because she mumbles. And has cold hands. I won't go into detail, but it's weird to see your boobs flattened and twisted in such a fashion.

Off to the waiting room. It's cold. So cold they keep offering blankets. Oh good, more magazines. Some early winter 2008 issues of Town and Country, More from March and, oh sweet, a Domino. From 2006. Oh good, I can finish reading that article I was reading in it six months ago. You think I'm kidding. And I'm waiting. And waiting. And it's cold.

Pat the ultrasound tech comes to get me. I think her name was Pat. Maybe it was Joyce. But she looked like Pat the UPS delivery lady from Will & Grace. She smokes. Not while she was doing my ultrasound, but every other time. I could smell it through my Tylenol Sinus med haze. She tells a joke about her brother in town, and finds nothing of note. But sends me back to the waiting room.

Mumbles pokes her head in and says they need another mammogram view. Huh? OK... this one was even less pleasant. Back to the waiting room. Waiting... Mumbles is back. Now they want two "twist" views. It is what is sounds like. And the least "pleasant" of all of them. At one point, she asked me to tilt my chin up. I told her if I tilted it up anymore, my boob would rip off.

She has no idea what they are looking for. She keeps pointing at a white shadow, I would call it, saying it must be what they are looking at. Well, what the fuck do they think it might be lady, because you're all freaking me out!?!?!? (I said in my head.)

Back to the waiting room. I am offered a blanket. Again. Pat's back. The doctor wants to see another ultrasound. There really is no modesty in any of this, if you can't tell that already, but having two people stand over me running an ultrasound wand across my chest, pointing at the screen saying "there... no... there, wait.. no...it's right there, but no... it's nothing, it just blends in...," almost made me lose my shit. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE LOOKING FOR??!?! I wanted to scream!!!

And then, "OK, nothing there. You're good to go."

"Well it wasn't for a lack of looking," I said. So... nothing.. Nope. Nothing. Here's your free tote bag for playing our game!

Anti-climatic, I know. But I'm in the clear for at least another six months.

But, it's important to check yourself every month! See your doctor!! Save the tatas!!!!