Don't Believe the Hyp(ochondriac)

Hello. My name is Michelle, and I am a hypochondriac. Well, a little bit of one. I am not one to run to the doctor with each sniffle, but I do tend to scare myself into a cancer diagnosis.

I noticed I might have a problem a couple years ago. I was having a painful issue, so I went online and entered in my symptoms. Then I emailed my friend (and fellow hypochondriac) Chris with the results.

Me: I either have colon cancer or IBS. Or maybe some kind of parasite.
Him: Get off of WebMD IMMEDIATELY.

It turned out not be any of those things. Kashi. Seven whole grains on a mission to keep you in the bathroom.

So, I should have known better than to enter in the symptoms of my latest ailment. A sharp stabbing pain, focused on one part of my head. And not "in" my head, but "on" my head. Like right on my scalp. It hurt to touch, and the real pain came in a wave every few minutes or so, lasting about five seconds.

Strange. Random.

And possibly a cluster headache. Or sinusitis. Or idiopathic anemia. Or aseptic meningitis. Or shingles. Or, like I found on one message board, peri-menopause. Yeah. That's just what I need.

Or maybe it had something to do with my back tooth, which is on the same side as the pain. And I'd been warned by the dentist that since I'd had a root canal back there, I wouldn't be able to feel an infection because the nerves were dead. "And now my right ear is stuffed up," I thought. Oh... I need to go to the dentist NOW!

Need a cleaning, you'll have to wait for months. Mention sharp stabbing pain, they'll fit you right in.

I describe the pain and toss up my hypothesis as to what could be causing it. Bafflement, but yes, it could possibly be tooth related. They take some X-rays, which always brings tears to my eyes. I have a pretty sensitive gag reflex, and cramming slides and plastic holders all the way back there, and hold it for a couple seconds please, ugh... it's the worst.

In comes the dentist. "Have you ever had chicken pox?"
No.
"Oh, because shingles is nerve related, but to get shingles, usually you have to have chicken pox first."

AH!! So at least one thing on my list of possibilities. But there is no rash on my head, so it's doubtful.

It's also not tooth related, so he suggests another doctor, and is even so nice to write down what he thinks it might be. Something called "trigeminal neuralgia." Great! That will make it easy to Google it when I get back to the office.

Which of course I did.

The second line of the Wikipedia entry says "suicide disease." Huh... I think I'd rather have another root canal. I shared this with Jan, and got a lecture about how I scare myself, being a hypochondriac, by looking stuff up online. It only causes stress. "You're being ridiculous. It's probably just your sinuses."

Again, call a doctor for a checkup, you'll wait for months. Call them and mention stabbing pain, you're in like Flynn. I am the youngest person in the waiting room by a generation. Maybe two. I am led back to what I can only describe as a combination exam room/supply closet. Seriously, there were boxes of toilet paper, paper towels and aluminum foil serving dishes on top of the cabinets; a folded up wheelchair, oxygen tank on wheels and three scales behind the exam table.

The PA comes in to see me. (I guess stabbing head pain isn't important enough for the actual doctor to bother with) No rash, so no shingles. And no, it's not what the dentist suggested, as that would cause the pain to be on my face, and something about the wind blowing on it would make you want to kill yourself because of the pain.

Diagnosis: plain old ordinary irritated nerve, which is apparently not difficult to do.

"Do you wear your hair back a lot?"

Yes. So my bad hair days have, quite possibly, irritated my last good nerve. Fabulous. Since Excedrin seemed to be helping, she said it would go away on its own. So, I left with a sense of relief and a prescription for Flonase. My ear was still stuffy after all. Allergies.

"No one suggested alien abduction?" Jenny asked. "Because really, random weird stabbing pain in your head? That can really be the only logical explanation."

I got to go to the dentist again today, for a cleaning. And I was able to thank him for scaring the crap out of me last week with his suggested diagnosis, which, of course, I had looked up online.

He admitted he was guilty of doing the same thing more than once, scaring himself with what he found online. Well then, he should know better than to randomly shoot out a strange diagnosis to people.

"Would you like me just to mark 'Hypochondriac' in big red letters in your chart?" he asked.
Why not, I said. I am sure it's what all my other doctors have done.

I Still Like Joel Better

The picture is a little blurry, but I have this pin on my desk (thanks to Jason!).



The other day, a co-worker came in and saw it.

"What is this thing? Some kind of vacuum cleaner?"
"Um, it's Tom Servo."
"What's a Tom Servo?"
"Are you kidding?"
"No."
To the person she was on the phone with: "Do you know what a Tom Servo is? No, me either."
"Get out," I said, pointing to the door.

For the uninformed, THIS is Tom Servo.